At the Top it Isn’t Lonely

I remember when it bothered me.
The times in my life where I wanted to change.
To vanish.
How I longed to fit in and to be accepted.
Wanted the people around me to know me and to love who I am.
I remember when I thought if I was nice, I would receive nice.
Like an animal in the wild, I remember when I trusted Mother Nature would protect me.
An ecosystem of what I thought were like-minded vessels.
Like we were all students with the objective to learn.
But what we made with what we knew proved the only real lesson.
I remember when I made myself smaller for others.
Quieted my voice so they could focus on their own.
I remember how disappearing wasn’t enough.
Not enough for me to not wear this or to let them borrow that.
Not enough for me to not look at him or to keep my hand down when I was the answer.
I remember when they didn’t invite me.
How it felt to be told I’m too much, and to feel like I was wrong.
Wrong for being what came naturally.
Wrong for leaning into the parts of myself that felt like fire.
Bright power that signaled heads to turn in my direction everywhere I went.
“Too much.”
A simple way of admitting defeat.
But too much to a girl trying to find her way looked like isolation on days that rung uncomfortably with togetherness.
I remember when we didn’t bond.
An unfamiliar sisterhood where your family is your biggest foe.
I remember when I wasn’t chosen.
Left to watch someone else with not even a tenth of my skill slip so easily into my role.
I remember the looks on their faces.
Surely this will end her.
Silence her long enough that she’ll forget who she is.
Someone we’ll never forget.
I remember when I left.
Moved on to start my life with one arm still cocked back cradling those who were glad to see me go.
Never were they thrilled for my destination of sunny skies and possibilities that were etched with my signature before I even landed with my toes in the sand.
But their relief came from my absence.
Fictional alerts that they would no longer have to squeeze into their own relevance.
A tight fit into a space already occupied by insecurity and doubt.
I remember the betrayal.
Lips that used to tell me they loved me suddenly couldn’t find the truth for me.
I remember when I knew they resented me too.
That’s where I found myself with only questions left.
Choices of sink or fly — like I’d ever shout out evil.
I remember when I chose to soar.
With a sign on my back that read take it or leave it.
Now I find myself honored every time someone walks away.
Proof that I am living in my truth and embracing the flames that are my soul.
The past would not recognize me today.
I am out of reach.
No longer concerned with how I fit.
Now I know my place is higher than anything or anyone that has ever had the pleasure of meeting me.
A pretty butterfly with plans to take on eagle wings.
I will never stop being great.
And one day I may find my place among magic and mystery.
But the peace of constant ascension suits me fine on my own.
Xoxo.
My regards from the top.