Living to Learn

Did I waste my time considering whether or not my magic made a difference?

Smiling through a reality that wasn’t real and making decisions in arrogance.

It’s a dark room shut in from the outside with only the glimmer of city lights from the postures of others when you realize none of it even mattered.

Not the missed calls, not the anonymous accounts, not my prayers for you, not my resistance to me, not her, not her, not the tarot readings.

It’s all faded in the background.

As if a movie has been running in the distance and in real life those actors are dead now or they look nothing like they did then.

I can’t tell if this is supposed to be bleak or if my words were meant to stir emotions rooted in fire and enough agony to drown you.

Or to at least cringe you so deeply when you reflect on all you thought was real, and now you rather ask God if you can try again.

Like I promise I’ll get it right next time.

Won’t waste effort on the moments that stretch me to defeat. The people that once held me only to drop me and walk away from me like it was always my fault. 

Maybe my words are to warn. 

Give an example about what happens when nothing does.

A reminder that one day someone will ask what do you have to show for this?

For all that blame, for all that self-doubt.

Were you ever right? Did it ever matter?

What could you have done differently? 

Lost on the question, I have no answer.

Because life positioned me right where it did and I reacted with what felt true.

These days the version of me that walks daily would say you should have responded the way God would want you to.

Well who says I didn’t?

Who says this isn’t the story He wrote for me and that I’m not the woman He designed?

That maybe He sat me in this dark room to clearly show me it doesn’t mean anything.

Only He actually wants me to breathe in the revelation and soar above. Weightless by letting go what never served me or served me for a time and that that’s ok too.

Maybe I hear God saying come my child. You are free now. 

Finally you can walk in your minds eye and not feel burdened by what you see.

Sight has failed you before and even in the physical you wear glasses.

Let Him steer and I will know the way. 

Perhaps my words weren’t sad at all.

Can you imagine that?